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Need guidance

2022.01.25 13:47 Vostius Need guidance

I (34m) have been struggling with alcohol since my first drink when I was 17, though I did not realize it for a long time, and even then I think I subconsciously always thought I could stop if I really wanted to. I have not been able to and I am at my breaking point as the shame and disappointment are overwhelming me.
I have been living with my girlfriend (35) and her two kids (6 year old boy and 13 year old girl) in a house I bought for us in her hometown for the last two and a half years. They have become my family in that period but I am throwing that all away due to my alcohol use and depression. I selfishly do not want to let them go, but at this point it is obvious to me that I am doing them all more harm than good.
My girlfriend already has enough on her plate and has to deal with multiple sclerosis on top of a shit father to her kids who moved out of state and offers no support. My goal has always been to try to improve the life of her and the kids, but now I am just making their life harder. I am not a violent person but was arrested for a domestic violence charge for pushing my girlfriend a year ago as alcohol turns me into a different person. The kids have not seen us get into a major fight but I was away from them for months due to this incident and was away another time for rehab, all of which has been very confusing and unhealthy for them, not to mention our teenager is very smart so she certainly knows there are some deeper issues.
The home that they live in (I have been staying there on and off recently and staying with my father as well while we've been trying to work things out) is in my name and I pay for it but I will not be able to continue to afford it if I move out, and I know she would struggle a great deal on her own to support herself and the kids financially without me so I have no clue what to do. I feel like I am being selfish and negativity impacting their lives if I stay and I feel like they will struggle a great deal if I leave, both financially and emotionally for the kids.
If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated, both for the situation with my family and regarding staying sober. The first time I went to rehab it was an absolute disaster that made me not trust those facilities at all. I tore 3 ligaments in my knee playing basketball at the facility well before my stay was supposed to be up and was basically held hostage there and lied to while they scrambled to figure out how to protect themselves. Still get the 5 figure bill that they told me was covered in the mail all the time. I have also tried AA many times at different stages of my struggles but it has not been a good fit for me in the past.
Thank you if you have read this far and if you have any advice for me. I scroll through reddit from time to time but haven't posted much and am a generally very closed off person so this has been difficult for me. I am very much at the end of the rope so to speak and have been driving away the suicidal thoughts. I know that wouldn't help anyone and I do still have a sliver of hope that I will be able to find happiness within myself one day.
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